If you are here reading this article, you are probably wondering how many times per week, per month or per year you “should be” having sexual intercourse or being intimate with your partner. At some point along the way in almost all relationships, this questions usually pops in. It is familiar to those in sexual therapy and one of their most frequently asked questions. The truth is, there is no real “set” number of times that would make it “normal” with sex or intimacy. There is absolutely no “right” answer to this question.
Instead of exact numbers and times of sex or intimate play, therapists and doctors give it a range. A normal sex life is considered making love once per week to once per month! At first discussion, many people think that they are abnormal if they are only romping in the sheets once per month, but it turns out- that is perfectly normal! Many doctors report that the fear of being or having an abnormal sex life happens more after changes within a relationship, with aging, body image issues, or the changes that come with terminal or life-long illness and learning to live again.
All that aside, it should not matter at all what others are doing in their bedrooms to what you are doing with your partner in your own room. That is unless you are taking pointers on tips and tricks to try within your own routines at home! Your focus should be your own needs, wants, and desired pleasures, and that of your partner. Every human is different and comes with their own sexual needs, desires and wants. Some couples are satisfied being intimate with each other, in whatever manner they choose to do it in, once per month. Some couples even set the date and time of when they will physically be with each other. Another couple might have regular Friday night sex after their set date night. Another couple might only see each other in between work shifts, and squeeze in intimacy where ever and whenever they can. The retired couple might be having sex daily because they can and want to. That newly married couple might be scared and cautiously taking things slowly, adjusting to the new nerves of body sharing. That sweet pair is struggling to learn how to deal with the new protruding feeding tube that now hangs in the way of their lovemaking. That husband is trying to calm his wife after she fell apart when he saw her naked for the first time after reconstruction. The couple recovering from reconstruction surgery and dealing with chemotherapy and aftercare might only have sex once every few months but make it a point to cuddle nightly. And sometimes, all of these couples, all of these humans will fail. Sometimes the intimacy or sex just does not happen. And you know what? That is perfectly normal, and okay.
Whatever group you fall in to is normal. It is your normal, and what works best for you. If you are comfortable in your relationship and the way things are going, then be confident with that. If you are struggling in your relationship or with self-care and intimacy, then it might be time to reevaluate your needs, wants, and desires. Both personally and with your partner. Remember, it is not always about the actual act of intercourse as it is about intimate connection.
If you need a refresher on intimacy and how to connect on many levels, check out our three-part read on the basics on intimacy.